Now I'm the first person to enjoy unusual names! HONEST! I consider my name pretty unique and it’s always brought me happiness. So don’t think I want everyone to have boring names. Trust me, this is coming from the guy who wants to name his children after MYTHICAL TOLKIEN TREES and ELVES!
But even I must say this has gotten WAY, WAY out of hand.
"How can you object to stupid names? Aren't you the one who would name his daughter Zelda if given the chance?" I can justify naming a daughter after a video game character. So why do I feel I can get away with Zelda, but someone who names their daughter "Rayne" is judged by me to be an idiot? It's because I have invented extremely meticulous and complex rules to what constitutes a stupid baby name, and Zelda, while some may say it's retarded, follows those rules. Here are my issues with the weird names:
1. I don't like when names are just "invented" from weird or unique sounds. This is something done in video games and sci-fi novels. Names ought to have some kind of meaning or traceable history. I realize Alexander or Jessica might as well be "invented" words, but in truth they actually have long histories and evolved over time. This may, in actuality, be the rarest form of annoying name, but it’s probably THE most annoying. An example of this is the name “Taylee.” What the hell is that? It’s not a real name. It’s not even a real PLACE name. It’s just something invented that sounds pleasant (i.e. not real).
2. I don’t like when names are misspelled on purpose (or by accident, for that matter). English has definitely decided at this point in time that Jason is spelled “Jason.” It’s not “Jaycen” or “Jaeson” or “Jaysen” or "Jaeysin” or “Jayousieyn.” Despite the complexity of English, spelling actually does follow very predictable patterns that anyone can eventually learn. I know, I know, the pronunciation of words like “though” and “tough” don’t really make sense at first, but I’ve studied this. Trust me, there’s a stable pattern. Misspelled names give the impression that somehow, names are exempt from this rule. I get students all the time with misspelled names, like, “Ayreal.” How should you pronounce that? I was told it’s pronounced exactly like “Ariel.” And yet, it looks like “Aey-reel.” Then there's Jayden. Never mind the fact that I'm pretty sure this name is just made up, and I'm pretty sure it's only popular because of celebrity babies; take a look at some variations:
Jayden, Jaeden, Jaiden, Jadin, Jadyn, Jaidyn, Jaedun, Jaydun, Jaidun, Jaidon, Jaedon, Jaydon, Jadon, Jadan, Jaydan, Jaidan, etc.
At what point will names just be spelled “Kxylsrr” and be pronounced “Charlie?” Why do names not have to follow basic rules?
- A side note to this is foreign spellings of names. I wholly support foreign spellings of names. There’s “John” in English, and there’s “Jean” in French. The two are not pronounced the same, even though they originate from the same name. I don’t believe in changing the spelling of a foreign name. For example, I think it’s cool to spell “Jaime” the Spanish way, and not “Hymay.” Keeping the original spelling keeps the language and rich history in place. A name ought to be everything that comes with it, not just a phonetic sound!
3. I don’t like when names are not used on the traditional sex. Again, this is making names just a phonetic sound and stripping away any kind of history or meaning behind a name. If one is confused about what sex a name is suited for, one should look to historical examples.
4. I don’t like when surnames are used as first names.
5. I don’t like when the names of places are given as first names, especially considering most parents have absolutely no connection to the place whatsoever.
6. I think using nouns and adjectives (like names of feelings) as names is totally acceptable. Lots of people I know dislike names like “Charity,” or “Hope,” or “Faith,” or even “Miracle.” Whatever. Maybe it’s tacky, but I think they’re just fine. They’re real words that actually mean something to the parents and have some kind of traceable history. I wouldn’t name my kids after feelings, but they’re okay in my book.
7. Finally, I’d like to state for the record that I am only talking about white people here. Other cultures have their own names, and I won’t even attempt to get into that. These are names from my own community of white people that I’m harshly judging here.
If you are confused about what I find acceptable or not, and I know my opinion means a lot to you, put your baby name to the Wikipedia Test. It's better than just Googling a name, because there are trillions of stupid web sites that list infinite baby names. Wikipedia can show you who or what has traditionally had the name. For example, one of the names I came across was “Averi” for a little girl. Of course, there will be no entry for “Averi” in Wikipedia, since I can already tell it's not real, but I typed it in anyway. I was eventually led to “Avery.” The entry says this name is a surname, derived from the Old French version of Alfred. There are also nine cities in the U.S. with the name “Avery.” So far, no females of note with the first name “Avery.” So right here the name has violated several rules. It’s spelled wrong, it’s actually a last name, it’s more commonly used as a place name, AND it’s a name for a boy. To top it all off, it’s an ugly name! Well done, parents of Averi!!
So here are the names listed in the Baby "Parade" (an actual baby parade would have been about forty-eight billion times cooler). I have only recorded FIRST and MIDDLE names. In some cases I had to add the middle name to make it clear what the sex of the baby is even supposed to be.
Without further ado, THE BABY PARADE (OF SHAME), 2010 EDITION!!!
Kamilla 1st - The "1st" was "Camilla's" middle name. The girl got an actual roman numeral in her name, and it wasn't even at the end!
Jordyn Rhianna - I know, I see it too.
Cash - They named their baby after the child support money!
Devyn Nichole
Max Deloy
Averi Ann'Mikael - Who knew Montanans had a penchant for Klingon middle names?
Paxton Elizabeth - Paxton is a girl?
Ryder Lee - This was also a girl.
Jayse
Taylor Neveah
Cooper
Kooper
Kuper - A cooper-splosion! Montanans also love 19th century barrel-makers, I guess.
Raynyn - Okay, enough is enough. There are far too many Y's on this list already. You each get ONE Y and ONE K from now on.
Kaylie - There, better.
Harlow Faith - A girl.
Avery Dawn - Also a girl.
Austyn - You're doing this just to piss me off, aren't you?
Jaydon - ...
KC Jace - Aww come ON. You people LOVE Y's, so why not Casey? At least you worked a soft C in there, so good for you.
Sloane - This is actually a real name, but it bugged me because it's usually a last name. The only person I've ever known with this as a first name was Sloane Peterson, Ferris Bueller's girlfriend.
London Christina - Places as names, places as names.
Keaton - Again, a last name used as a first name. This time stolen from Michael and Diane. Good work!
Aidan Christian
Aiden Lane
Aiden Aiden Aiden - Aiden is the John of the 21st century. (At least it's a real first name.)
Jakob - Okay, we GET IT. K's and Y's are the coolest letters every. They're the most beautiful sounds.
Hadley Katelynn - A girl
Tayley - Someone's parents love LOST!
Jacksin - Ah, nice! Spell it wrong AND put the word "sin" in there! AND include the letter K! ROCK!
Finley Marie - Yes, FINLEY! What a beautiful name for a little girl!
Lucas Ryon - Are you sure you don't mean LUKUS RYYOEON
Taylee Elena - WTF: TWO TAILIES? HOW?!
Tyson - Ah, frozen chicken and/or an insane boxer! Beautiful.
Amorina - You know, I hate to say it, but I thought this was actually kind of cute.
Oliver Per - Per? Only one Oliver Per person please. This was a girl, I think.
Danica Rain - Do you think the C here sounds like a K or an S?
Jack Ywain - Mark Twains long-lost brother from Dimension X?
Teighlor JoLee - Ugh.
Tia Joy
Kaylee - Go away.
Bridger Rose - Ugh.
Trevyn Breanne - ENOUGH WITH THE Y's!! PLEASE!
Kaysa - STOP!
Alyvia - PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
Remi Kayann - NO MORE K's and Y's!! PLEASE!!
Lakayla Ray - ... bastards.
If you don't believe me, here's the link:
http://bigsky.momslikeme.com/members/Scrapbook.aspx?pi=2&q=&dt=MWorldData.Message&si=&filter=0&g=1517145&se=&sd=&sn=0
If you'd like to learn more about my hatred for stupid baby names, see last year's P.O.S. (Parade of Shame).
I've just had a rough couple of weeks. I take it out on innocent babies. Does that make me such a bad guy?
0 comments:
Post a Comment