Atheism and Me

The comments to this video say "Christopher Hitchens OWNS Dinesh D'Souza" although I respectfully disagree. If anything, I think it's vice-versa. You can see for yourself:



I don't know where my interest in atheism stemmed from. I was raised a to be a believer, but I was also raised to be skeptical and to ask questions. This skepticism (even cynicism) comes naturally to me, and so I guess this is why atheism has always looked fascinating.

I can't say I ever considered myself an atheist, although at times I did have personal doubts and fears about the existence of God. I'm sure most believing people experience those personal doubts and fears, though. As an adolescent I found the world of art and academia to be full of atheist ideas and notions. I felt like a square for being a believer. I didn't see God the way they did. They saw an outdated myth, something silly, something destructive. I saw what I perceived (and still do perceive) to be the truth of the matter. I always felt their view of God and religion was childish and simplistic, although I didn't know I felt that way at the time. I just knew I was sometimes embarrassed to be a Mormon, and that they might not think me stupid if only they'd take the time to understand.

Not that the Mormons have a history to be ashamed of, in my opinion. Just that my LDS culture wasn't a very good match for me. Where were the artists, the creative types? It seemed to me that they were either making crappy, sentimental, Thomas-Kinkaid-style art for tons of money or they just didn't exist. Where were the LDS musicians? Busy making EFY CD's and other religious music. I wanted LDS film-makers, and I was getting God's Army.

Which wasn't as bad as I wanted it to be, actually. God's Army, I mean. But I had this idea that Mormons were like the country bumpkins of the world. They hunted and fished, they strictly prohibited R-rated movies. They listened to country music and watched CMT. I wanted to be good, but how could they prohibit The Godfather and accept Austin Powers with open arms? I would rather "sin" and read Stephen King than their stupid LDS fiction.

I used to pride myself on being logical. I thought Spock was the apotheosis of cool. I was naturally logical, and pure logic was delicious to me. So atheism was, in many ways, alluring. It took that fourteen-year-old logic to it's conclusion, and atheism made sense to me on an intellectual level. Thank goodness I didn't completely give in to those logical underpinnings, because then I might not be where I am today. Something inside would stop me. Usually, it was thinking about Jesus Christ Himself. I could not read those stories from the New Testament and deny them. I felt something deep in my heart as I read them. I understood them to be the truth, even during the times when I almost didn't want them to be. They were always true to me. I was never so cynical that I could brush those stories off. Frankly, I'm kind of amazed at how atheists can even do that. They just must not feel what I felt when I read them. That's the only explanation that makes sense to me.

So although I wanted to be dark, deep, pretentious, mystical, alluring, etc., it just wasn't something I could do and keep my religion. And no matter how badly I wanted to be dark and deep, I also did care for the well-being of my eternal soul. I was never a part of that club of artists and intellectuals, but I wanted to be.

I think attending a church university was one of the best things that could have happened to me in this respect. I realized there that I could enjoy the "dark" things of the world... Ponder the dark mysteries of life... Explore human emotion, human suffering and pain... And still be a faithful person. Still be a believer. My English professors didn't shy away from the inherent darkness in literature, and they were smart guys. It was such a beautiful thing to me to see that there are artistic, intelligent, well-read people in my LDS community. They enjoyed and created good art, and they did it without being pretentious a-holes.

I feel confident enough now to look at atheism with the weary eyes of an older man. It still fascinates and intrigues me, but more because I don't understand what makes the atheist tick. I've asked before, on this very blog, what drives the atheist to even live day-to-day life. If we're all going to die in a matter of years, remembering nothing, entering a state of eternal oblivion, what's the point of doing anything? I guess that sounds pretty bleak, and some atheists have argued with me by stating that I, a believer, am more depressing and twisted than any atheist. Maybe it's true, but I wear it as a badge of honor.

I think C.S. Lewis expressed it best when he wrote in Mere Christianity that people who try to break down Christianity (and religion in general) will typically take an eight-year-old's version of Christianity and attack it. Of course it's ludicrous to believe that a magical giant man with a beard lives in outer-space and He somehow sees and hears all of us and if we pray to Him He will give us things. But that's kind of a retarded version of my belief system.

It's like decrying music. What's the point of sitting there, listening to seemingly random noises? How in the world could such random noises stir such strong emotions in us? It's ridiculous, but there it is. On a simplified level, it makes zero sense.

I don't want to be guilty of doing the same thing when deconstructing atheism, but it can be a difficult topic to research. And if people like Christopher Hitchens are the ones speaking for atheism, then it becomes even less of a contender.

Here's a great article I read that led me to write this post:

The Most Misunderstood Book: christopher hitchens on the Bible

This outspoken atheist wrote a book about how religion ruins everything and Jesus was probably a myth that never existed in the first place. At age fourteen, a book like this might have shaken me a bit. Might have made me feel stupid, or embarrassed. Thanks to the wonderful, educated, talented men and women of the LDS community, this is no longer true. I can respect that there are some arguments to be made for atheism, but this book doesn't sound like one of them.

The church is true. Thanks for reading my ramblings. Check out that article, even though it is quite long!