My old boss/principal of the school used to send out these ridiculous e-mails that only borderline retarded and full-blown retarded people could possibly believe. They were all forwarded from who knows where, and he felt it necessary to share them with the entire staff. It comforted me to think that this is what he was doing in his office all day, getting paid three times as much as me and enjoying his air conditioner.
His comment on all this was "This is good information."
It just shows how good he was at discerning good information from bad information (i.e. he had the critical thinking skills of a stillborn pig). And yet this man was in charge of making decisions that affected my life! He has my life and lives of many other teachers and thousands of students in his hands! It's enough to make me smile and chuckle knowingly.
Enjoy!
FW: Things your burglar won't tell you
Dick Kloppel
Sent: Monday, March 22, 2010 7:51 PM
To: List_All_CMR
This is good information -
Things Your Burglar Won't Tell You:
1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.
Subtext:
Fear everyone. No one is to be trusted. Everyone who works in and around your home is a criminal. Everyone is out to get you.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.
Subtext:
Do not allow people to use your bathroom ever, for any reason. Especially people who work on your lawn. The yard workers are the enemy
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste ... And taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.
Subtext:
Never grow flowers outside your house, and do now allow your children to play with toys outside.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.
Subtext:
Again, treat delivery boys like the thieves they are. Remove flyers from your door IMMEDIATELY.
5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.
Subtext:
To be even more effective, lend your neighbor several pairs of your shoes and have him walk around in them back and forth from your front door to his car. If your neighbor’s legs are not as long as yours, use some kind of stilts to more evenly space the footmarks. Old crutches work well here. Make sure you put the exact same brand and make of your tires on his car, as burglars probably have memorized what your tire tracks look like already.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.
Subtext:
Windows are your enemy. Anything that allows in sunlight can allow in burglars.
7. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.
Subtext: Dumbass.
8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door-understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.
Subtext:
Are you UNDERSTANDING this, asshole? I AM WATCHING YOU ALWAYS. You and your STUPID umbrella. Trying to stop the rain from getting your little baby bum all wet? AWWWWW, HOW CUTE. Yeah, fumble with that umbrella. I DON’T TAKE THE DAY OFF. I’m the hardest working person in this town, jack. And you know you’re a lazy p.o.s. don’t you? You know that you don’t deserve your nice things, don’t you? You know that I deserve to have them. You know you’re worthless deep down. God hates you and you know it. So you just keep fumbling.
9. I always knock first.. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)
Subtext:
People who are not from your town? Raping, stealing, bastards. People looking for work? Raping, stealing, bastards. They deserve every bullet you jam into their foreheads with that shiny little gun of yours. Go ahead. Do it.
10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet..
Subtext: YOU FUCKING MORON. DAMMIT YOU ARE STUPID.
11. Helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.
Subtext:
I know what you’re thinking right now. Why would he tell me specifically where he DOESN’T go? That doesn’t make sense, does it? Especially for a document entitled “Things Burglars WON’T Tell You.” So you won’t tell me that I never go into kids’ rooms… But you ARE telling me this. Does this mean my kids’ room is safe? Yeah, work that one out. Think about your children. All safe and snug in their little beds. You’d do anything to protect them, wouldn’t you? But when it comes down it, they’ll die just like all the rest. I can’t wait to feel their hot blood spill over my filthy fingers as I slash their throats. I’ll do it nice and quiet so you can keep on sleeping, you fat troll. Aren’t you glad you stored all your valuables in there, now? Was it worth it, you prick? Was it worth killing your own children over? Die in a fire.
12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.
Subtext:
Safes? You really think your jewels and gemstones are safe in there? No. I will take the safe with me. How the hell will I do that, you ask? Doesn’t matter. It will be stolen by me. And do you really think bolting it down will stop me? No. I will stead the floor it’s attached to. Bolt the floor down, you say? Nice try, asshole. I’ll steal the entire house. Everything will be gone when you return. It’s all mine now, all mine. You can’t stop me. I will steal the very earth you live on. There! I just did it. I just stole the entire earth! IT’S ALL MINE NOW! HAHAHAHA!
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find it at faketv.com
Subtext:
You’re probably too cheap to even buy one? But then again, you’re the one who’s gonna lose it all. The real players in this game know how to shuck and jive, my boy. They know what they’re doing. Fake TV is just the beginning. Consider a fake refrigerator that opens at random times to mimic late night snacking. Set your toilets to flush at period intervals. But make sure these intervals correspond to your personal biochemistry and digestive system. You think burglars don’t monitor that for weeks at a time beforehand? You really are an idiot, huh? Of course they monitor that for weeks beforehand. You can’t stop at toilets, though. Shower timers. Door timers. One of the only fool-proof fakeouts is not just a Fake TV, but an entirely fake house. It’s called DecoyHouse, and it’s for the person truly serious about security. It’s an entire house stocked with decoy items but rigged with explosives. Anyone who tries to enter it illegally will get blown to Kingdom Come. You’re probably too poor to afford it, though.
14. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never ever look like a crook.
Subtext:
Sometimes I carry a Book of Mormon or a Watchtower magazine. Sometimes I carry a child. Sometimes I carry a Census form. Sometimes I carry a pizza in a cardboard box. Sometimes I carry flowers and balloons. Sometimes I carry an invisible gun that kills your thoughts and mental defenses. It goes with my cloak of nothingness that I wrap you in as I seduce you through ESP and we have sex in your bathroom and you only remember vague scraps of what happened years later as you wake from a nightmare, or was it a dream? It’s not rape if you don’t fight back, you stupid whore. I’ll find you and eat your children if you ever tell anyone about me. About US. REMEMBER ME.
15. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.
Subtext:
Let’s not forget giant alligators that live beneath trapdoors under the welcome mat. Screeching chimpanzees filled with AIDS and dropped from the roof, too. How about a bucket of black scorpions? A hose filled with cobra venom and pig’s blood can keep away evil spirits of your dead ancestors.
16. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise.. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature.
Subtext:
You think the screams of the raped never touched on the ears of the friends and neighbors of the damned? Oh, honey… You’re so young and stupid, you little bitch. Of course they heard. They heard and maybe they felt guilty for one fleeting moment because they didn’t even bother to call 9-1-1 as the girl’s throat filled with blood and gurgling screams. They heard her. They all heard her. They heard her cries for release, they heard her bones breaking like wet sticks as the vampire sucked the marrow out while she watched her life evaporate. They heard it all. They did nothing. Because they don’t love you, that’s the thing you don’t seem to understand. We are mere animals rasping and scratching for a wad of meat on sad little bone, and we will crush the skull of those who oppose us if we’re hungry enough. They won’t call, they won’t do shit.
17. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?
Subtext:
You fucking idiot.
18. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets..
Subtext:
I’ll take out your daughter, I’ll impregnate her and force her to abort the baby. I’ll abduct children from Wal-Mart and McDonalds when your back is turned. I’ll take your money. I’ll take your mind. I’ll take and take and take. I’ll take. I’m always walking, you see. Look outside RIGHT NOW. That’s me. You thought it was a neighbor or a friend or someone you don’t know. It’s me. It’s me and I know you saw me. Just for that I’m going to make you suffer even more.
19. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address.
Subtext:
Not only am I a shapeshifting teleporting stalker genius, I’ve got MAD hacking skillz as well! Try to hide your status updates, mark everything on your profile private, make it viewable to close friends only. DOESN’T MATTER. I will STILL break through your computer’s firewall and steal everything you’ve ever typed. And I’ll use computers to manipulate things in your house. Got a digital camera? I can turn that on wirelessly and watch you having sex with your spouse. In fact, I do it all the time. Ever bring your cell phone into the bathroom? Chances are I’ve heard you defecating. If I’m lucky I may have even hacked your cell phone camera and gotten some good pictures. It’s easier, so much easier, than you think.
20. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.
Subtext:
You little pansy faggot, as you prance around being happy for springtime and fresh air, I’m getting ready to make that fancy Xbox and TV and laptop of yours MINE. You want fresh air so bad? PONY UP AND BUY A FUCKING PERSONAL AIR FILTER. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this, because you’re too stupid to be allowed to keep your belongings. In fact, you deserve to lose everything. Opening the door for some fresh air? Why don’t you just invent a time machine and go back to medieval times when people didn’t have windows, you f-tard? You go through all the time and effort to buy a house and yet you just OPEN THE DOOR?! LIVE OUTSIDE, ANIMAL.
21. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom-and your jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.
Subtext:
Why stop with motion detectors? How about retina scanners, or complex DNA analysis? Entering into the home triggers an automatic infra-red scanner. Any imperfect matches are shot with poison needle darts hidden within the flower vases. But don’t forget shape shifters, not to mention replicant cyborgs. They can sometimes mimic DNA. Use a compound memory scanner that plugs directly into the brain stem. If the memories do not match the family memory signature, an alarm will sound. Be prepared at any given moment to stab a loved one to death if this happens.
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